Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The connection

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Dr. Seuss

That is what I try to do everyday..
It is me who is dealing with things most cannot understand, and really just asking for a few changes here and there to make me a bit comfortable is not a big deal! I have to be a bit selfish about it, because I dont really get anything by being adjusting and pushing myself to the brink. I just start dreading the situation more, instead of building up a positive experience that I can handle it.

I now have this connection with hubbs, which sometimes can be misinterpreted as him listening to each and every thing that I say.
It is just that we are more attuned to each other, or rather he is to me, because I need him to read me more than he does. If I am uncomfortable about some thing, all I need is a quick one word and he gets exactly what needs to be done.

Some months back I would have these days when I just couldnt talk more than a few words at length. I would be too anxious and would want to just breathe and calm myself down. Talking disrupts my breathing process, if I am deliberately trying to breathe. And just understanding this point ...

My indication to hubbs would be either a volume or a time out word or hand gesture(T) and thats it. but the same conversation with anyone from home would be like
Me: Cant talk right now, give me a few minutes. Timeout
"what do you cant talk. what do u mean time out"
Me: give me a minute
"ok , lets breathe together. But why cant you talk? stop showing me the time out T"
Me: 1 2 3 breathing
"everyone breathes while talking. Why cant u"
Me: T for timeout. I will be fine in another minute.
"Ok, lets eat then"
Me: cant do
"why cant you eat now?"
Me: T
"stop being so anxious"
Me: rolls eyes and begs hubbs to get things to calm down :)

Then later, after a half an hour of explanation, no questions for a few days, and then the questions again. I know it is difficult to accept something which appears so bizarre. The point, it is bizarre for me too. But I cannot question it, I just have to accept it and deal with it... and so does hubbs... and when I cannot communicate/talk... he, is my connection to the world, my passage, my language, of communication..

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