Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Things not to say to anyone

Just today I was told that I should read a book x to figure out why or how I got my tumor. So that if I do find out I can avoid those things/circumstances (nutritional deficiencies, environmental factors etc) and it wont happen again.

I mean in theory it sounds like a the right thing to do, but in real life, why one gets tumor/cancers is highly speculative, unless there is a direct connection with something. And we already went crazy trying to find answers the first year post surgery, with no luck. The obsession to find an answer, any answer to several questions, took a toll on my recovery.

And are you kidding me by reminding me that something so crappy and so out of my control can happen again!

I am sure I might have said something similar to someone going through something in their life as well. It is amazing how difficult it is put yourself in someone else's shoe and say the right things.

I don't know why I am cribbing really. Indians in general are known for throwing out advice about what one should do to cure or avoid getting sick with anything and everything. Everyone around always seems to have the answers. Kapal bharti breathing right now will cure me. SOS diet will too. miraculously cure my damaged nerves.

Sure, there is finally studies now about how plant based diets do slow cancer, but that doesn't mean that vegans or plant based people cannot get cancer.


It is difficult to think logically when I am anxious. We've been trying and trying since the last 2 years for hubbs to be able to go overnight hiking or elsewhere overnight. Getting a satellite phone so he is always connected by messaging, planning well, practicing etc. He hasnt left me alone at night in 9 years. Through the entire surgery, ptsd, vertigo, anxiety and everything, he has become my safe person. Someone who makes me feel calmer and that everything will be ok.

The activity during the day keeps me occupied so it works well. But nights are very difficult to spend alone. Negative thoughts stay at bay during the day.But at night if I am alone, I havent found a way yet to keep them out. And it just gets worse if I cannot fall asleep.

Maybe one day, I will find something that works or with practice it will be a more approachable thing. Maybe one day, I will be able to let hubbs do what he wants to, all the trips he wants to take, the overnight hikes and everything else.
He did do a ton of day hikes and spent a night at Base Camp on Rainier, which was something I wouldnt have imagined happening last year!