Dependence

Hubbs has been through all the thick and thin with me. The lows, the vertigo attacks, panic attacks, depression, anxiety, then getting better and slipping back and everything. He is the only person who knows how to help me in any situation.

With the anxiety therapy, one of the things we have to try is to reduce the dependence I have on him, so that I can be less anxious when he is unreachable, or when he is hiking or when he is travelling (which he hasnt done yet for more than 2 days). Why the dependence in the first place. As a limitedly abled person there is always some things I cannot do. Something like me losing my balance, or getting a vertigo attack (which sometimes does not give any warning) is a real possibility anyday, that can put me a in a situation where I am stuck sitting in one place without being able to reach my meds or my phone. Who knows how long the vertigo will last without the meds, how long will I sit there, will I yell for help, will anyone hear it? The therapist wanted to know if I had anyone else around that I could depend somewhat on, family and good friends. And I told her that family lives far away and all the good friends have either moved from the city, or moved on with their lives.

Thats a common occurrence isn't it. Everyone sticking to similar minded people, with similar lifestyles, similar abilities and similar priorities. Anything you are or do differently, simply means a slowly increasing distance from the non different set. For me, the time when I could have cultivated deeper friendships, went in recovery and understanding my limited abilities. Who would want to spend their time sitting and chatting away at home when they can get out and party. So now, as a limitedly abled, no kid, vegan person, it is practically impossible to find people who can be good friends and dependable.
I do have a few, but I have learnt from experience, that the dependence on anyone other than spouse, ( & sometimes family), doesn't work. A friend is always a second priority after children and family.

So the only way, is to figure out dependence on myself. We will see how that goes. 

Do it do it Do it. Or not.

I have had generalized anxiety since surgery. I also went through panic disorder and agoraphobia for a year in between caused by the post traumatic stress. that got better, But different levels of generalized anxiety are something I deal with every day. Anxiety about going out to any new place because I don't know if i will be able to find a place to sit. The darn balance and sinus issues mean I cannot sit anywhere except soft sofas to stabilize. Going out on a drive and the anxiety of getitng stuck in a jam, coz the car seat is bothersome as well.

I just started meeting a therapist to help me deal with generalized anxiety more easily and hence improve my day today life and experiences. One of the methods she suggested was exposure therapy (which isnt a fun name really). Keep exposing myself to different levels of the activities that make me anxious and soon they wont affect me as much.

There are several issues with this.
1. I have been doing that since many years, and every year, through the winter Sinusitis, I can't get out or do most of the things that I could do during the rest of the year. So the confidence resets and i have to start from scratch again.
2. Any kind of anxiety causes my balance to start to go off. The main reason for almost all of the activities that give me anxiety is the fact that when I get any level of anxious, even the least bit, about say going somewhere, it triggers my balance. If I do not let that pass and let the balance calm a bit, the upset balance feeds back into the loop where i get anxious about the fact that my balance is upset. That anxiety causes the balance to get even more upset, and hence more anxiety and so on. So exposing myself to more anxiety, leading up a very upset balance is just going to move me closer to getting panic and vertigo attacks. which isnt going to help me. So onwards to some other mixed therapies.

Lessons in popularity

Sometimes there are recipes that I really like and when I post them. But for most, the recipe might be too new, different than their everyday food :) , so the pageviews and social media shares are minimal.

Chocolate, 3-4-5 ingredient something and cauliflower always are super popular though.

Compartmentalize

The hardest thing so far as a blogger and author has been to keep the negative opinions and reviews out of my head. Even though I know that 99% people love the food, the book, the blog recipes and do let me know, some comments or reviews just get to me.

For example with my book, some not as positive reviews means it is reaching many more people than the intended audience. But reading them is not fun. Sigh, reminder to self, one cannot please everyone. Just do what you do.

Influences

I am Punjabi by birth. Punjabis, as Mom puts it, can be a bit hot headed. That totally applies to me.

I am always ready to fight if cornered. I mean I get very angry very easily. I get other emotions in extremes very easily too. I also have strong opinions. It probably is also amped up by the fact that I am female. Those hormones. :)

On the other hand, hubbs is a this super calm chill person. You'd really have to do something really bad to make him mad.

On many occasions, when I am just starting to get angry, or cursing, he just looks at me like why, what's the use of all that and my anger will die down.

Over the years I have picked up some of that calm energy from him. Thankfully I did, because it is really helpful when as a blogger I have to be out on social media to deal with all kinds of people, or get rude mails and things, and always be politically correct and nice.

On the very few days, when things get to me, the anger just doesn't die down. Today is the day, when everything I say, will have a swear word attached to it. (on most days, I do not use swear/curse words. I think I didn't even know proper swear words till I came to the US. Also learnt them because of the abundant use by guy-friends who use them in the name of free speech since no parents are around).

Crash

I started my visual therapy treatment last month. It started with a program that can be run on my computer, with exercises for eye training like moving targets, moving boxes, matching targets etc. In the past month and a half I tried the exercises just 4 times. and whether I do them for 10 minutes or 30 seconds, I crash. My eyes stop working (being able to read or work on a computer etc), my ears and head hurt, my balance gets crappy, and I get vertigo.

I was thinking of an analogy of what might be happening so I can use it to make others around understand and here is how the analogy works.

Think of a big computer system/software or a computer. Something stops working in that computer, say a driver or software. The computer knows that something isn't working, but the computer cannot fix it. It can keep running with the not working part, just like the body and brain keep functioning even with messed up nerves or muscles. You can keep working the computer or the body, keep telling it to work, it will work, but the problem is not going to get resolved by itself.

Now a developer/coder comes in and attempts to figure out the problem and fix it. The initial few passes, any code that he writes will most likely cause crashes in the system. After a few tries, he may find something that works. After a couple more tries and a deeper understanding of how the software works, he may figure out what solution is needed and proceed to write it. The code that he writes for the solution might not work the fist time he writes it. After a few iterations, it might finally start working as expected.

The visual therapy is working similarly on my brain. Trying to create new paths of dependence as some nerves just do not work. In the initial stages, everything just crashes, and it will.

Its always a complete crash. I get from being able to do loads of work continuously for 8 to 9 hours on the computer, in the kitchen, photography, editing, walking chewie, driving around etc, to being able to do nothing. I just sit and listen to audiobooks, curse the vertigo (the vertigo always comes back), sleep and repeat. All this after just 30 seconds of exercise. #$%#$*

I don't know, how I will keep getting motivated to do the exercises, even though I know they will likely help me in the future.

The down time of 3 to 4 days, the bad eyes and vertigo are extremely depressing. I was doing so much every single day of last year, except for a few bad days or rest days. Every dingle day I was accomplishing something. I am keeping up the hope that I get used to the exercises soon and crash less and less with less extremes just like the computer fix.

Polar Opposites

The wood flooring on one side of he kitchen seems to be absorbing water from somewhere and buckling up.

I saw the 2 wood boards this morning and noticed the slight darker shade and on close inspection noted that they were starting to expand. I looked up and called out out hubbs, #$%F**v$% we have a leak!! Call a plumber!

Hubbs, comes by calmly, looks around, misses the boards and says where. I point it out to him. He says it was probably always like this. Then he inspects it. He says its getting pasticky, maybe just a bit of moisture, or maybe the cleaners dropped something yesterday, chill. Roams around, comes to the corner again, hmm, seems like the cabinet wall is expanding too. must be some water spill. it will dry out. More inspection and 10 minutes later, yes we should probably call a plumber.

pretty much sums us up. I see the worst possible scenario and he sees the best possible.

Be Brave?

There are many ways to be brave. From being brave enough to say something you want to say, to being brave in facing the unknown, in facing one's fears, in battle, in life, in health and everything.

Everyone has their own level of bravery. We are all brave in some things and not so much in some others.

I am not sure about being asked to be brave. Be brave and do something. Be brave, you can do it. Nope, doesn't work.

I am not sure Someone who has just gone through a crippling accident, a crime committed on them, life threatening condition etc, wants to hear things like you are so brave to be dealing with it, or be brave and get through it. Maybe, you are doing good, or take your time with everything, are more comforting.

I just spoke to my vision therapy co-ordinator and heard the same thing. Be brave, you can get through this.

Nope, I do not want to be brave. I do not willingly want to do exercises that will mess up my eyes, my balance, capabilities and cause nausea, awfulness and stuff. I will do them because I know they might eventually help. There are all types of people, some who will force themselves to do things faster, try many things at the same time, push themselves to the limit, in the hopes of getting normal/better and get there sooner (or accept a new normal somewhere on the way and adjust accordingly). And there are people who will do the exact same thing, but at a slower pace. Eventually, it is about forcing one self to endure something unpleasant. These people, whichever path they are on, do not  necessarily want to hear- Be brave, you can do better (or maybe some do, because that works for them). For everyone though, an appreciation for whatever they are doing is what will keep them going. You are doing good. I am doing good. We are doing good, at our own pace, we will get there wherever that is.

Sharing

A quick PSA. Images found on web searches, on blogs etc are not free to copy anywhere. They are covered by copyright laws. Please always ask for permission. The same goes for recipes, write ups, cookbook photos and recipes, or anything online for that matter. Online on the web is not equal to free to copy esp without credit. Please ask for permission before sharing (copying in entirety) in any public form, blog which is visible to public, forums, social media etc. Hard work goes into photography, recipe development, editing, content development.

The optimal way to share is to share links to the blog posts, website articles etc. Any way of sharing that only uses a snippet or one photo from the post and links back to the original, so everyone has to come back to original article.

Maasi

Maasi literally translates to Maa - si, like mother. I am not sure about the origin of the word. But culturally it seems appropriate.

Maasi in north Indian groups or other parts of India as well is used to refer to maternal aunt. So all of my mom's sisters are name Maasi. A Maasi, b Maasi etc.  like Aunt A, aunt B, where A and B are their names.

It probably makes sense to be called so as Maasis are the ones who would step up to help their sister when she needed a break or take up the kids responsibility like their own for a while. Their hearts and houses were always welcoming and love was always freely given.

I lost one of my Maasi this September when Mom was visiting. Mom and me sat and cried together and lived through some of the memories. Maasi was terminal for almost a year and had a really bad last few weeks. The C word just sucks.

Rest in peace Maasi. 

in home services

Wow, do you know how difficult it is to find people to do house calls for services?
I am trying to find mobile hair dressers and the only salon that does that in Seattle is booked through the entire month.

I have been cutting my own hair since the past few years, because it is such a pain getting an appointment when I want it, then sitting on the skinny moving chairs to get the cut and getting through all the hair pulling, all of which gives me a headache and balance issues and wastes my entire day. So i'd rather do it on a weekday and not spoil my weekend. And taking 2 hours of hubbs time weekdays for a haircut is super wasteful.

There have to be better solutions to this. How do people with limited abilities get simple things like haircuts. How about super busy moms or other sets of people who need basic services at home.

Things not to say to anyone

Just today I was told that I should read a book x to figure out why or how I got my tumor. So that if I do find out I can avoid those things/circumstances (nutritional deficiencies, environmental factors etc) and it wont happen again.

I mean in theory it sounds like a the right thing to do, but in real life, why one gets tumor/cancers is highly speculative, unless there is a direct connection with something. And we already went crazy trying to find answers the first year post surgery, with no luck. The obsession to find an answer, any answer to several questions, took a toll on my recovery.

And are you kidding me by reminding me that something so crappy and so out of my control can happen again!

I am sure I might have said something similar to someone going through something in their life as well. It is amazing how difficult it is put yourself in someone else's shoe and say the right things.

I don't know why I am cribbing really. Indians in general are known for throwing out advice about what one should do to cure or avoid getting sick with anything and everything. Everyone around always seems to have the answers. Kapal bharti breathing right now will cure me. SOS diet will too. miraculously cure my damaged nerves.

Sure, there is finally studies now about how plant based diets do slow cancer, but that doesn't mean that vegans or plant based people cannot get cancer.

anxiety

It is difficult to think logically when I am anxious. We've been trying and trying since the last 2 years for hubbs to be able to go overnight hiking or elsewhere overnight. Getting a satellite phone so he is always connected by messaging, planning well, practicing etc. He hasnt left me alone at night in 9 years. Through the entire surgery, ptsd, vertigo, anxiety and everything, he has become my safe person. Someone who makes me feel calmer and that everything will be ok.

The activity during the day keeps me occupied so it works well. But nights are very difficult to spend alone. Negative thoughts stay at bay during the day.But at night if I am alone, I havent found a way yet to keep them out. And it just gets worse if I cannot fall asleep.

Maybe one day, I will find something that works or with practice it will be a more approachable thing. Maybe one day, I will be able to let hubbs do what he wants to, all the trips he wants to take, the overnight hikes and everything else.
He did do a ton of day hikes and spent a night at Base Camp on Rainier, which was something I wouldnt have imagined happening last year!

Dairy

India is the largest producer of dairy, with an annual production of about 120 million tonnes using about 35 crore (350 million) cattle.

Cows are forced into body-breaking cycle of pregnancy, birthing and milking throughout their life (either through common bull or an equally torturous process called artificial insemination) in all the dairies. The semen for the insemination is taken forcefully from bulls by electrocuting them. 

The mothers also endure a lot of misery in not being able to spend time with their babies since the calves are taken away soon after birth. Male calves are often sold for slaughter or left to die of starvation. 

More than 10 million calves are slaughtered per year in India, that is 1 every 3 seconds....

Dairy comes from grieving mothers and dead babies.. 

Do Vegans hate others

This excerpt from Bite size Vegan's video sums it up.
"I believe that is where so much of what is often seen as vegan “hate” really comes from- a devastating sense of loss, a profound mourning, and a feeling of utter powerlessness. when your eyes are opened to the extreme enormity of unnecessary animal suffering and death at the hands of our species, it’s hard not to become overwhelmed with anger and disgust. 

of course, this passion can sometimes overwhelm us and come out sideways in petty aggression or arguments. but to my non-vegan friends out there, know that this almost always comes from wanting so bad to save the lives of innocent animals and feeling powerless against what often seems to be a losing battle.

It is equally important to note that many non-vegans honestly and truly don’t know any better. We were also non-vegan at some point...."

Read more here

Acceptance

Its hard living with limited abilities. More often that not, I have to make peace with the fact that I wont be able to do something and that the rest of the family can. Most of the time, its just hubbs and me and he tries to make sure that we do some other activities that I like and I can do, to balance out his other activities, which he does alone. But when family is visiting, the things that I can do with them outside home dwindles to almost nothing (usual tourism = crowd + noise = not for me). It sucks sitting at home and it sucks more. It is hard for regularly abled/active people to make time and adjustments for the limitedly abled, and that is understandable, though often frustrating.

Is the key to happiness with any situation just acceptance?. Acceptance of what things are and not wanting more. And if that is so, how do I get there....

Fridays

Fridays are Fridays. I always want to start the weekend early. So I call hubbs after 6 pm to check when he will get home. And he is always in some kind of get together. And every time its a new reason.

- someone is leaving the group

- someone is leaving the company

- someone just joined the company

- someone has been there for too long so he is celebrating

- someone completed their first year so they are celebrating

- its an intern party
- it was sunny

- the product shipped

- the product did not ship

- the demo went well

- the demo did not happen and everyone was there

- we got a new kegerator 

- the kegerator had not been used in a week, so we had to do something

- met someone after 5 years, so had to have a drink

- fought with someone so had to cool down

- the week went especially well

- met someone in the elevator who was leaving the company

- there was vegan beer

- there were vegan cup cakes
- the recent most. it was sunny, went on bike, bike died in the middle of I-90

and it continues!

Indifference

I have not visited India in more than a decade now and have forgotten how difficult it can be to look at everyday life and try to find one cause to do something about.

Everything exists in parallel in India. There will be affluent neighborhoods, people who can afford most of what is needed. Outside the same neighborhoods, will be a slum where people and children barely survive, live in poverty, have diseases, and work longer than 12 hours of the day. The problems range from not having the right color shoe to wear, to no shoe at all, to no food for the day either.

I remember being like most Indians growing up, trying to block out everything most days. It is hard to open yourself up to care about each and every living being, human or not as there are so many of them who need immediate help, surrounded by poverty of all kinds. This explains why most of us Indians project an air of indifference about everything.

Living in the US, the problems are generally only seen on tv, online or heard of from a third person. Things are never right in front of your eyes. There are causes we can choose to pursue and others we can choose to not know about.

In both situations, there are always some of us who go against the norm and do something. Here in the US, we pursue some causes and do much more about them without being bogged down by every other thing. In India, it is easier to get overwhelmed with the enormity of the many issues that are always right in front of the eyes, but we can choose a few to pursue and keep doing something till we can pursue more.

Why this post you say? Yesterday I read Eileen's write up about her trip to a bunch of cities in India. Eileen is the founder of Help animals India which is a 501 c3 based in the US. Her charity writes up grants for several animal welfare, rescue and sanctuary organizations in India. Every few years she also visits them to see the progress and the use of the financial help.

Her trip write up is eye opening. To read about so many people, most of who have their own problems and needs, who are not rich, who work or volunteer to help the animals in distress, work tirelessly for long term solutions for the strays and other animals, is humbling.

Most of these people are Indian, they also grew up in the same country, are faced with enormous number of issues every day, and they still go out of their way to take a cause and work selflessly for it. It is people like them who don't have much, who care and help, and now the younger generation who also see the work and compassion and get inspiration on social media, that end up helping. Most of the developed class, middle class, tech and other people think of the problems (strays, animal issues, poverty) as nuisance rather than something they themselves can help solve.

Indifference because of over exposure to something, or no exposure (ignorance) of something, is hindering the path to any change for the betterment of people, society, animals, and the earth.

threads

I have these random threads that keep going on in the back of my head which suddenly show up out of nowhere. Hubbs cleaned up the living room and kitchen over the weekend. Everything is all cleaned, no clutter and good. Monday, we are driving to somewhere and I suddenly ask, where is the cheesecloth that was drying on the chair? hubbs.. what cloth? Me: ok another one probably thrown away during the cleaning. :)  

Holidays

Lol, you knew a holiday rant post was coming right.

Holidays are just not fun really. But anywho. I would like for everyone to read this PSA.

By not being cognizant of other people around you, their needs and requirements and not making an effort towards being inclusive. (it obviously needs a step or 2 out of the comfort zone), what one is teaching their kids is that clique behavior, callousness, and self serving behavior is a-ok to learn and continue to do.

Nuff said.

Be inclusive for a change, be nice, be sweet. I mean seriously, I do not want to dread holiday gatherings. Be my friend this year?

Oh well, a ton of other things to think about and do something about.