As I mentioned some time back, there has been an explosion of babies being born around us. Most of our friend circle and extended circle around got married between 5 to 8 years ago. There were only a few babies in the years till last year and few and far between. And then pretty much everyone that was left got pregnant one by one and the deliveries are still going strong. 5 done and a few more to be this year.
With the first few kids, no one really asked us about our plans, because I was still trying to figure out the health issues, the diagnosis, the solutions and waiting for unknown things to heal and get better.
Now after a bunch of years, we know that some of the issues are here to stay and that I have to live with them. Both me and hubbs have realized and accepted that. Life goes on.
Hubbs has lately been getting more comfortable thinking about an addition to the family.
I dont know what I feel about reproducing or caring for a baby though. Whenever I do spend time with any baby or toddler, I have done so in not familiar and high stimulus environment(different home, levels of noise and activity which keeps me far from getting comfortable) and hence constantly struggle to associate any comfort and joy with the baby. I think for a few months last year, I would go into a mixed set of emotions. I would try to be happy because it is a joyful occasion and at the same time feel depressed because I dont know when, if ever, I would be able to experience it.
Then I accepted the fact that I am getting depressed for no reason, because there are other options(adoption). Most likely I did not even want a baby right now. I was getting depressed about something I cannot have, but dont even necessarily want at the time.
Most days I am worse than a kid. You can leave a kid at a day care, but you can't leave me anywhere. I dont let hubbs get too far away from me. He is my safe person because of my PTSD. If he is around, I feel less anxious. I dont know how he handles my clingyness.
It probably stems from the experiences during and post surgery. The helplessness a day after the surgery where your body doesnt listen to what you tell it to do and there is no way you can get up by yourself, walk or do anything, is the scariest thing ever for a control freak.
Whenever people tell me I am brave and strong, I think to myself, that I am not. If i really was that brave and strong, why would I get post traumatic stress disorder. Why would I be so shit scared of something similar happening again or even another vertigo episode.
And to think that I can be responsible for another life during a vertigo attack is incomprehensible. I remember I got an attack once while in the car. Hubbs had to pull over and then he got down to take a pillow out of the trunk so I could stabilize myself, and chewie got out with him without him knowing. The only thing I could do was yell to alert him, which he heard only after 4-5 yells. I couldnt move to catch chewie. He is my 4 legged baby and if something happened to him I would be devastated. But when I cant even crawl during an attack to stop him, how in the world will I cater to the needs of a baby. Forget the trips to the hospital. every trip is a panic +vertigo attack in the making. And all the responsibility will again fall on hubbs.
Sure, all the mommy oxytocin might just make me do things. But who knows.
If I get to the point when I can either go through a pregnancy or adopt and care for a child, I think I would rather use the ability to get a bit more independent, to accompany hubbs on travels(its been 8 years since i stepped foot on a plane and he hasnt either because I get panicky if he is more than a few hours away from me), to fly and meet parents, parents-in-law, brothers and sisters and everyone I havent met in 8 years., and so on. but maybe my priorities will change.
This year is about finding, moving into and setting up a new home. That postpones this difficult discussion by another year..
With the first few kids, no one really asked us about our plans, because I was still trying to figure out the health issues, the diagnosis, the solutions and waiting for unknown things to heal and get better.
Now after a bunch of years, we know that some of the issues are here to stay and that I have to live with them. Both me and hubbs have realized and accepted that. Life goes on.
Hubbs has lately been getting more comfortable thinking about an addition to the family.
I dont know what I feel about reproducing or caring for a baby though. Whenever I do spend time with any baby or toddler, I have done so in not familiar and high stimulus environment(different home, levels of noise and activity which keeps me far from getting comfortable) and hence constantly struggle to associate any comfort and joy with the baby. I think for a few months last year, I would go into a mixed set of emotions. I would try to be happy because it is a joyful occasion and at the same time feel depressed because I dont know when, if ever, I would be able to experience it.
Then I accepted the fact that I am getting depressed for no reason, because there are other options(adoption). Most likely I did not even want a baby right now. I was getting depressed about something I cannot have, but dont even necessarily want at the time.
Most days I am worse than a kid. You can leave a kid at a day care, but you can't leave me anywhere. I dont let hubbs get too far away from me. He is my safe person because of my PTSD. If he is around, I feel less anxious. I dont know how he handles my clingyness.
It probably stems from the experiences during and post surgery. The helplessness a day after the surgery where your body doesnt listen to what you tell it to do and there is no way you can get up by yourself, walk or do anything, is the scariest thing ever for a control freak.
Whenever people tell me I am brave and strong, I think to myself, that I am not. If i really was that brave and strong, why would I get post traumatic stress disorder. Why would I be so shit scared of something similar happening again or even another vertigo episode.
And to think that I can be responsible for another life during a vertigo attack is incomprehensible. I remember I got an attack once while in the car. Hubbs had to pull over and then he got down to take a pillow out of the trunk so I could stabilize myself, and chewie got out with him without him knowing. The only thing I could do was yell to alert him, which he heard only after 4-5 yells. I couldnt move to catch chewie. He is my 4 legged baby and if something happened to him I would be devastated. But when I cant even crawl during an attack to stop him, how in the world will I cater to the needs of a baby. Forget the trips to the hospital. every trip is a panic +vertigo attack in the making. And all the responsibility will again fall on hubbs.
Sure, all the mommy oxytocin might just make me do things. But who knows.
If I get to the point when I can either go through a pregnancy or adopt and care for a child, I think I would rather use the ability to get a bit more independent, to accompany hubbs on travels(its been 8 years since i stepped foot on a plane and he hasnt either because I get panicky if he is more than a few hours away from me), to fly and meet parents, parents-in-law, brothers and sisters and everyone I havent met in 8 years., and so on. but maybe my priorities will change.
This year is about finding, moving into and setting up a new home. That postpones this difficult discussion by another year..
